1000 Irritating Things

It appears to have become quite popular in British journalism to add “gate” after any sort of controversial incident and my god is it annoying. I shall leave this one to comedians Mitchell and Webb.

Always nice to turn up to a meeting with a splodge of blue ink surrounding the bottom of shirt pocket, looks so professional. Equally irritating is sticking your hand in your pocket and it emerging a new inky colour.

This is just damn carelessness and no doubt happens in houses and flats across the country.

Strolling across someones view of the TV during a sporting fixture is not on, neither is doing so whilst there are people playing on a console. Conceding a goal because someone carelessly put their ass in the way of the TV is not a good experience.

When you’re in a rush ironing a shirt for work it’s very frustrating when you slip with the shirt on the ironing board and plonk the iron on the big crease you made. Anyone who’s done this will tell you it’s a bugger to then iron the crease out, it just won’t go once it’s been ironed in!

If you don’t use weights at the gym then this will mean nothing if you do however and you are an offender take note.

Squat racks are made to help people do squats on, they are not there for you to rest your weights on between sets of bicep curls, that is what the floor is for so piss off and stand in the corner and work your vanity muscles.

Frozen pizza can actually be quite nice but every so often you get that dodgy one where you pick up a slice and the cheese from the entire pizza slides off with it leaving you with a tomato covered bit of bread.

Most car owners will have done this at some point, leaning into the boot without realising the boot isn’t fully open before standing up and smacking the back of their head on the car boot.

It really smarts when you manage to get it right on the lock.

Another irritation that is often worst at the moment of realisation, running back to the kitchen after either remembering that you have a pizza in the oven or when the smoke alarm politely reminds you that you had something cooking.

There’s always the occasion where you have nothing else to eat and have cooked your last frozen pizza so resolve to sit and eat even the charred black bits covering most of the pizza.

In this age of digital TV it’s amazing that we still get rubbish reception in some places. In the house I’m currently in for example the picture stutters regularly and no one with an O2 phone (me) can take a phone call without completely messing up the reception.

It always, always happens at important points in stuff as well.

They’re absolutely wonderful when you score them snatching a win in the dying seconds of a game, but ask any Man City fan and they’ll tell you they are horrible to be on the other side of.

Now I do like a good pub band but I also like to have a chat with my friends. I don’t want the two to be competing when I’m out.

I have a metal toaster, it’s nice and shiny and looks good in the kitchen. There’s just one problem, toasters heat up bread to make toast and by making a toaster out of conductive material it gets bloody hot and there’s always that point when you touch it in your early morning toast making forgetfullness. 

Definitely the worst point of anything like this is the realisation moment. When you look down and see there’s no toilet roll, followed by a frantic look around and then the consideration of your options.

It’s embarrassing enough being sat at home bellowing someones name from the toilet hoping they’ll hear and bring the rolls you just bought from the bottom of the stairs. But if you do it in a public loo! - you’re options are suddenly very grim.

Do I even have to explain this? - Think Dom Jolly from Trigger Happy TV and “HELLO.. I’M ON A TRAIN”

Yeah you get the picture, no one wants to over hear your life story or your order for a pizza or your sweet nothings to your other half.

I’m sure you’ll have heard it or said it yourself but often the nights you go out not expecting much turn into the ones with that things happen on and you always talk about or tell stories about. It’s always really disappointing to go to a lot of effort and have a night out fall way short of what you were hoping.

I’m sure there’s a fancy name for it I don’t know but your mates writing ”I love animal porn” on your unattended facebook wall for all your family and friends to read is damn irritating, equally when you’re kicking yourself for leaving your computer signed in as for the fact they’ve actually done it. 

It’s great being a leader, the first to get something. You spend all your time telling people they need to listen to this new band or watch this new TV show. Yet you then feel kind of cheated when they all catch on and everyone’s a fan and you’re just one of the crowd again.

No one cares as you tell them you saw the band first in 1996 before they were famous, or that you own their first two obscure arty albums because everyone now likes them.

For the record I saw Coldplay when they were supporting Gomez and Snow Patrol when they were supporting Ash - but no one cares about that anymore.

I shall illustrate this with an example.

I am not a Glee-k, I’m not even a fan of Glee yet I know what happens in the show and who the characters are and the current plot lines - why? Because the computer I normally work on is in the corner of the lounge and our main TV is in the same room so I sort of see most of it. 

When Glee related questions turn up in the pub quiz I then look a little strange knowing the answers and no one will ever except my explanation.

Still Sue Sylvester’s put downs are worth watching.

The main culprits for this being lorries, I’m the drivers sit there thinking “God 54 miles per hour is too slow - I want to do 55” and off they go overtaking. Taking an absolute age, reducing the traffic flow to one lane and panicking nervous driver into erratic braking and crazy driving.

I guess this would probably please all those people who just like to pick arguments and cause trouble through the relatively anonymous channels of the internet but yes. They have achieved what they wanted, they are irritating.